Therapy
I’m sitting here on my back porch staring at this blank space to write in and I’m not even sure what I should write. Problem is, I have TOO much to write … too much personal and work stuff on my mind that it’s hard to compartmentalize it all in an orderly fashion.
I’m the type of person who when things get to be too much and my mind is racing in ten different directions and there are no clear answers, it just paralyzes me … therefore I do nothing. It’s a bad place to be and a bad human trait. Bad, bad, bad.
I did call my friend, Barbara, this afternoon to check on her. They’ve stopped all treatments and have called in Hospice. She’s still able to talk on the phone and is positive, for the most part, but when I put myself in her place, I can not imagine what she must be going through. She and her daughter are going this week to pick out her casket. Some part of my brain just can’t register what that must be like. I sit here and think to my self over and over again about how I might be had I walked in her shoes for the past few years. Like I said, it’s hard to imagine and hard to think about. Our mutual friends, Kris and Charlotte are driving in from Georgia and Florida this Saturday to be with her one last time just for the evening. I wish I could go but it’s not meant to be.
I wish I could sit here at my computer and actually write something that doesn’t revolve around the woes in my life. I could probably write volumes about things happening around our county or short one-liners that are funny or even spill out some kind of prophetic wisdom but I just don’t have it in me.
Therapy.
That’s what this is.
So, please bear with me while I try to work things out in my head and my heart.
Besides, nobody has to actually read it. It’s mainly just for me.
God bless us all.
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Mother’s Day … Woo Hoo!
While I said in my last post that I had lost a pound, I am sure I totally blew that out of the water this past weekend in Atlanta. It seems like I was eating something at every turn. That’s ok. Today, I ordered an exercise machine … hehehe!
Cleve surprised me with a Mother’s Day treat this weekend. He kept the final destination in Atlanta a secret until we had arrived there, walked into the amphitheater and passed by the T-shirt sales booth on our way to the bathroom.
As I looked over to my left at all of the T-shirts my eyes got big and I grabbed Cleve and practically squealed …. “STEELY DAN CONCERT??!!!???”
It was awesome and those guys haven’t lost one bit of talent over the years. We got us a fruit and cheese plate and some shrimp cocktail and a couple of bottles of wine and kicked back to bask in the nostalgia of the evening. Memories flooded in as I thought of the two of us back in the 70’s and 80’s when we were first married, poor as church mice, raising and chasing kids and listening to Steely Dan albums on the stereo. Leave it to Cleve to totally outdo himself with this surprise. He never ceases to amaze me. I’ll never forget it. It was FABULOUS!!! 
We slept in Saturday and headed out in the early afternoon to just wander around while we waited for Joe and Rachel to arrive that evening. After stopping at the Fresh Market to get some lunch stuff, we ended up in a beautiful park where we walked around and had a picnic. Very peaceful.
Joe and Rachel got there around 7:30, got checked in at the Hilton and we ventured off to dinner at Asio’s. We ate way too much but were pleasantly content. When we got back to our hotel, we visited in our room for awhile and then decided to go up to the cigar bar at the top of the hotel where Joe and his dad shared some expensive Scotch whisky and we all enjoyed the view. (By then, I was drinking water!)
We slept in again on Sunday and after having lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe, we all loaded up and headed for our humble homes. We called the mothers and wished them a happy Mother’s Day. Mama was spending hers over at Beth’s with Missy and LaRue was surrounded by Sherry and her group.
I had a great time in Atlanta. I wish Spencer and his family could have joined us. Maybe one day they’ll be able to.
This morning it was back to the grind … and so it goes.
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Ya Gotta Love a Great Day
I love days like today.
I woke up early enough to actually sit out on my back porch for awhile before I headed in to work. I slept good (which never happens) AND when I got on the scales this morning, much to my surprise, I had lost a pound!!! For the past week or so I’ve been wallowing in whatever it is I was wallowing in and when that happens I tend to console myself by overdoing it in the food department. So losing a pound was a nice surprise.
The day was slow and easy and, for the most part, I was able to get caught up on some of my work that had been left undone while Iva was out on vacation for two weeks. I even have our paper website updates almost completed so I’ll be able to upload them in the morning (ON TIME!) for a change. That hasn’t happened in about three weeks.
So, I feel pretty good today. Of course, family stuff is always on my mind. I’m just looking forward to June when I can go see them.
I talked to Tom on Messenger last night. We got all caught up on “the news” back home and all the fun they had at our 30th class reunion. He told me they might be tearing down our old high school and building a new one. I can not IMAGINE that!!! How sad. All those many people who walked those halls over the years. All the memories of Mr. Brown and his paddle, having to write 1,000 word themes because I can’t keep my mouth shut, all the pep rallies, the streakers running across the front of the auditorium butt naked, socializing with my girlfriends, basketball games (basketball was my true love at the time) … the list goes on. It was like an enclosed little social globe where nobody could touch us and all the woes of our lives that were yet to happen just didn’t exist.
I’ll be keeping a close eye on what develops. They actually need a new school. Our old high school is just about falling apart and that’s sad, too. It was in pretty good shape when Cleve and I attended there but that’s been over thirty years ago. WHOA!!
I didn’t make it to our reunion this past year but I’ll try to go to the next one. According to Tom, they had a great time!
I’m sitting out on my porch now and the rain comes and goes. It smells good. Supper’s in the oven and I don’t have to work (much) tonight.
Other than a few worries that I have … life is grand.
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Dealing with it All
I just got off the phone with my mom and my sister.
Mama’s not doing well at all and it’s no wonder. She’s 84-years-old, driving my brother to Little Rock and back every day (she did that for a week straight), most days, staying all day there and doing it the next day and the next and the next. She’s humped over with osteoperosis and has a bad hip. Since she’s been dealing with all of this with Fred again, she’s worried herself into a state to where she’s nervous and jittery … and that’s just the tip of the iceberg!
Fred is about two weeks away from his stem cell transplant and it’ll get worse from here on out. We don’t know what the outcome will be and there’s always the underlying fear that it won’t help and he’ll get worse. My worst fears my be realized sooner than expected. I hope that’s not the case.
There is no easy answer. There really isn’t an answer at all. He has three daughters who, I hope, will step in and help out. They all live out-of-state but hopefully they’ll be able to find a way to be there for him … and their grandmother. Missy helps a lot but there’s only so much she can do. And, of course, Mama feels like she should be there every step of the way with it all. That’s a mother’s heart … wanting to help her child through a devistating crisis. But she’s 84-YEARS-OLD!!!! For God’s sake!!!!
I wish I could be there all the time. I wish there were more that I could do other than just talk on the phone to them. What help is that?? She says don’t worry. Missy says, don’t worry. Things will be taken care of … but it’s hard. Especially being so far away and feeling as helpless as a newborn baby.
I’m planning a trip there in June to help in any way that I can. Even if it’s just a fresh face to look at to hopefully take Mama’s mind off of all the doom and gloom that she’s lived with for the past few years. I also hope that I can be of some kind of help to Fred. By then, his stem cell transplant will be over and I just don’t know what to expect after that.
What I WANT to do is call those girls and say, “HEY!! Your dad needs you back home. Figure out a way to MAKE THAT HAPPEN!!!! I told my sister this evening that I’d like to call them and tell them just that. I don’t mind being the “bitch”. But Mama told me I needed to stay out of it. STAY OUT OF IT???!!!! The last time I checked I was still in this family and I care DEEPLY about what’s going on.
It’s just a mess. There are no answers. Only prayers and if God can work miracles, and I believe that He can, please send one to my brother. I’m pretty sure that the cancer will take him eventually. But, I ask that all of this turmoil be resolved and get him through this as stress free and as peaceful as possible.
I am at a loss.
Emotional Weariness
I wasn’t going to get my computer out just yet. I do have some work to get done but that can come later. Right now, I just felt the need to write.
Emotions and fatigue are running high at our paper. Spring is a busy time for us anyway but this Spring we’ve added an additional publication to the mix. It’s our paper’s quasquicentennial year (125th year) so we’re doing a special publication every month through October. it’s a publication every month to write stories about news and events that were happening at “that time” as covered in our paper. It’s a wonderful publication and I believe that people are enjoying it. But, it’s extra work for everyone.
When you add that plus all the other work (which is already overwhelming) into a mix of family woes, medical woes, children woes, Mama woes and any other kind of woe you can think of, it can become overwhelming. Some of us haven’t had a “real” vacation in a long, long time.
I’m not speaking about myself. I’m content with the load I have. But, I don’t have all of the outside worries that others have. Plus, it’s just me and Cleve here. I don’t mind doing what it takes to get the job done. Yeah, I get tired and frustrated and stressed but that’s the nature of the beast.
We have a GREAT thing going on here. A wonderful community, a wonderful working environment, talented people who want to do a great job.
Like I said, we all have our own things to deal with and we do the best that we can. But some extended down time every now and then is what’s going to get us through all of the emotional and mental ups and downs that are inevitable.
I do feel that everything will be ok. I just worry. Like a mother hen worrying over her chicks and her nest. After all, for some of us, we spend more time at the office than we do at our homes. You’ve got to find peace, joy and passion in there somewhere.
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My Best Friend
I talked to my best friend, Bonnie, last night. Her dad passed away last week and I didn’t even know. She and I had lost contact for awhile and she couldn’t find my phone number. I feel awful that I couldn’t be there for her emotionally even though I couldn’t be there physically. She’s having a hard time with it all but will be ok. We vowed to keep in closer contact and reafirmed our friendship and love for one another. We are still the bestest of buds and always will be no matter how much time or distance passes between us.
We talked about things I’d almost forgotten and even managed to laugh through our tears. What I wouldn’t give to sit out on the porch with her and a cup of coffee and just talk for hours … or be quiet for hours. Either way, it’s good. It’s always been that way. I’ve always heard that anyone can talk volumes at you but you know you have a true friend when the silence between you is understood and just being in each other’s company is comfortable and easy. I miss her.
That phone call did more for me than anyone will ever know. It was definately the bright spot in my day. However, my day, yesterday, didn’t go too awfully bad. I was just steadily busy all day. The problem is when I’m busy with five different things at once AND at different desks. Like I said, it wasn’t too bad plus I stayed a little late to get caught up on my work.
I hope today will be good for everyone. I woke up this morning with that overwhelming feeling of blank space within me. Sometimes I feel so disconnected. I’m not sure where it comes from. Maybe my call with Bonnie last night triggered it. Maybe it’s just a collection of emotions I’ve had for quite some time … I can’t seem to shake it. But, I am sure that I’ll get through this day like I do every other … one minute at a time.
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Gearing up for the Next Couple of Weeks
Today was Iva Jean’s last day before going on vacation for a couple of weeks. I have to say, I’m a bit nervous only having Analisa in the afternoons after 3:00. But I’m glad Iva’s getting to go see her family. I told her before she left this evening to come back to us safely.
I hereby declare that my focus over the next couple of weeks will be to try to do one thing at a time, know that I’ll be putting in many more hours than normal (and accept it), ask for help when I need it, and try not to be too stressed out … dog tired … overwhelmed … feel like I’m drowning … and most importantly try focus on my task at hand and be nice to others. It’ll all be ok.
Putting all loneliness and depression aside, my life is so good. I am truly blessed. God is good.
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Another Weekend is Upon Us
Another week has come and gone and, for the most part, it’s been non-eventful. Iva Jean and I finished up at a decent time this evening and I don’t think I’ll have to work any this weekend which is good because Cleve is taking me to see a play tomorrow evening in Charleston. Thank God for the weekend!
Cleve is the Striped Bass Festival chairman this year and has been running himself ragged trying to get things in order for that. It’ll be held on my birthday week at the end of this month. We always have a lot of fun but I can imagine that this year, all Cleve wants is for it to be over. I share in that. He’s so tired and overwhelmed from it all and, quite frankly, I’d like to have my partner back.
Right now, I’m sitting out on our back porch, watching all of my birds. I love it. I come here every day, when I can, after work and sit, have a glass of wine, and watch all the birds. The Hummingbirds have started coming back. We have about four different ones, so far, that I can see. Plus, our Painted Buntings have returned. They are gorgeous!! The first time we saw one was last year in our back yard. We thought someone’s exotic pet had gotten loose.
I admit, I could be doing other things during this time on my back porch. But, truth is, it’s the very few moments of the day that I allow myself the luxury of the beauty that lies so close to me and, also, the luxury of alone time. I say prayers at night but I really feel the presence of God during this precious time I call my own. It’s good prayer time.
Anyway, like I said, all seems to be well here. I’ll call Mama over the weekend to see how Fred is and how she’s made it through the rest of the week since I talked to her. Hopefully, I’ll see them all soon.
God bless …
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Keeping the Faith
So far, this week has been ok, I guess.
Work has been busy but what else is new?
I’ve kept in close contact with Mama and Fred. He started his chemo last week but are not happy with test results so they’re backing up and trying something different than they did a few years ago. I’m still not sure what that is. When I talk to Fred, he’s so positive and optimistic that it’s hard to really get down to the nitty gritty. I respect him for that but when we hang up, I’m not quite satisfied that I’ve gotten everything I want to know. You know?
Anyway, he thinks … and this solely depends on all of his test results along the way … that they’ll be doing his stem cell transplant in a month or so.
I so want to go to Arkansas. It’s not so much a “want” but a “need” to go. It’s so hard being so far away. I pray every day to God, who knows all things, to guide me in what I need to do … among other things. I am steadily trying to figure out a time I can go for a week so that it doesn’t interfere with anything else or anyone else.
I believe, with all my heart and soul, that God will provide a way for me to go when I can be of help to Mama as well as Fred. My heart aches for everyone involved.
The most important thing he has is his family. His girls are in constant contact with him … calls three or four times a day. For that, I am so grateful.
Mama tells me that we have to accept what we have been dealt and do the best that we can. I believe that as well but it is, without a doubt, one of the hardest things we … as family … as humans … have to endure.
How do I get through it? I keep God and the faith close. I don’t talk about it. I keep it inside because for me to get through something this intimate and tragic, only my God is privy to any in depth conversation I may want to have about it.
Prayers are being sent up daily.
Quick Trip!
Cleve and I made a quick trip to see Joe and Rachel this Easter weekend.
We left Friday afternoon, spent the night in Atlanta and went on in Saturday. We met Joe at his work so he could show us his office and take us on a tour of the capital … but not before I snapped off a picture of his official parking spot
We got to go places where you needed security codes to get in. Joe had it all approved before we came to able to show us these places. I, for one, felt honored and proud.
He has a nice office and we got him a plant to go in that window behind him. There’s a special code he has to use to get into his office area. Because he works in Constituent Services, they have to make sure that no one has access to them except the people who are supposed to be there.
He took us to the room where the governor conducts press conferences. That was interesting … it was smaller than I thought it would be. He briefly struck a pose on the podium.
After we finally made it to their house a few miles down the road, we visited for awhile and then decided to venture out to find food (Cleve and I had not eaten much that day).
Rachel sold a house last week and had to go attach a “Sold” sign in the front yard of it so we all went together and snapped pictures of her hanging up her sign. She’s really coming along in her real estate career.
We all went to lunch and then visited the Southern Homes and Gardens place. It was fabulous and gorgeous! Spencer and Orie called while we were there and everyone got to talk to them. That was nice!!
Needless to say, we are so proud of all of our kids. They are progressing in the world and all seem to be happy. Speaking as a parent, you will always worry but as long as they’re happy and healthy and making it, it soothes something deep inside of a mother’s heart. You mothers know what I’m talking about.
We’re headed home now and are almost to Augusta. (which is good, ‘cause I need to potty). We’ll make it home this evening sometime. Like I said, it was a quick trip but I’m glad we went and it was good to see family this weekend!
