Emotional Weariness
I wasn’t going to get my computer out just yet. I do have some work to get done but that can come later. Right now, I just felt the need to write.
Emotions and fatigue are running high at our paper. Spring is a busy time for us anyway but this Spring we’ve added an additional publication to the mix. It’s our paper’s quasquicentennial year (125th year) so we’re doing a special publication every month through October. it’s a publication every month to write stories about news and events that were happening at “that time” as covered in our paper. It’s a wonderful publication and I believe that people are enjoying it. But, it’s extra work for everyone.
When you add that plus all the other work (which is already overwhelming) into a mix of family woes, medical woes, children woes, Mama woes and any other kind of woe you can think of, it can become overwhelming. Some of us haven’t had a “real” vacation in a long, long time.
I’m not speaking about myself. I’m content with the load I have. But, I don’t have all of the outside worries that others have. Plus, it’s just me and Cleve here. I don’t mind doing what it takes to get the job done. Yeah, I get tired and frustrated and stressed but that’s the nature of the beast.
We have a GREAT thing going on here. A wonderful community, a wonderful working environment, talented people who want to do a great job.
Like I said, we all have our own things to deal with and we do the best that we can. But some extended down time every now and then is what’s going to get us through all of the emotional and mental ups and downs that are inevitable.
I do feel that everything will be ok. I just worry. Like a mother hen worrying over her chicks and her nest. After all, for some of us, we spend more time at the office than we do at our homes. You’ve got to find peace, joy and passion in there somewhere.
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My Best Friend
I talked to my best friend, Bonnie, last night. Her dad passed away last week and I didn’t even know. She and I had lost contact for awhile and she couldn’t find my phone number. I feel awful that I couldn’t be there for her emotionally even though I couldn’t be there physically. She’s having a hard time with it all but will be ok. We vowed to keep in closer contact and reafirmed our friendship and love for one another. We are still the bestest of buds and always will be no matter how much time or distance passes between us.
We talked about things I’d almost forgotten and even managed to laugh through our tears. What I wouldn’t give to sit out on the porch with her and a cup of coffee and just talk for hours … or be quiet for hours. Either way, it’s good. It’s always been that way. I’ve always heard that anyone can talk volumes at you but you know you have a true friend when the silence between you is understood and just being in each other’s company is comfortable and easy. I miss her.
That phone call did more for me than anyone will ever know. It was definately the bright spot in my day. However, my day, yesterday, didn’t go too awfully bad. I was just steadily busy all day. The problem is when I’m busy with five different things at once AND at different desks. Like I said, it wasn’t too bad plus I stayed a little late to get caught up on my work.
I hope today will be good for everyone. I woke up this morning with that overwhelming feeling of blank space within me. Sometimes I feel so disconnected. I’m not sure where it comes from. Maybe my call with Bonnie last night triggered it. Maybe it’s just a collection of emotions I’ve had for quite some time … I can’t seem to shake it. But, I am sure that I’ll get through this day like I do every other … one minute at a time.
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Gearing up for the Next Couple of Weeks
Today was Iva Jean’s last day before going on vacation for a couple of weeks. I have to say, I’m a bit nervous only having Analisa in the afternoons after 3:00. But I’m glad Iva’s getting to go see her family. I told her before she left this evening to come back to us safely.
I hereby declare that my focus over the next couple of weeks will be to try to do one thing at a time, know that I’ll be putting in many more hours than normal (and accept it), ask for help when I need it, and try not to be too stressed out … dog tired … overwhelmed … feel like I’m drowning … and most importantly try focus on my task at hand and be nice to others. 
It’ll all be ok.
Putting all loneliness and depression aside, my life is so good. I am truly blessed. God is good.
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Another Weekend is Upon Us
Another week has come and gone and, for the most part, it’s been non-eventful. Iva Jean and I finished up at a decent time this evening and I don’t think I’ll have to work any this weekend which is good because Cleve is taking me to see a play tomorrow evening in Charleston. Thank God for the weekend!
Cleve is the Striped Bass Festival chairman this year and has been running himself ragged trying to get things in order for that. It’ll be held on my birthday week at the end of this month. We always have a lot of fun but I can imagine that this year, all Cleve wants is for it to be over. I share in that. He’s so tired and overwhelmed from it all and, quite frankly, I’d like to have my partner back.
Right now, I’m sitting out on our back porch, watching all of my birds. I love it. I come here every day, when I can, after work and sit, have a glass of wine, and watch all the birds. The Hummingbirds have started coming back. We have about four different ones, so far, that I can see. Plus, our Painted Buntings have returned. They are gorgeous!! The first time we saw one was last year in our back yard. We thought someone’s exotic pet had gotten loose.
I admit, I could be doing other things during this time on my back porch. But, truth is, it’s the very few moments of the day that I allow myself the luxury of the beauty that lies so close to me and, also, the luxury of alone time. I say prayers at night but I really feel the presence of God during this precious time I call my own. It’s good prayer time.
Anyway, like I said, all seems to be well here. I’ll call Mama over the weekend to see how Fred is and how she’s made it through the rest of the week since I talked to her. Hopefully, I’ll see them all soon.
God bless …
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Keeping the Faith
So far, this week has been ok, I guess.
Work has been busy but what else is new?
I’ve kept in close contact with Mama and Fred. He started his chemo last week but are not happy with test results so they’re backing up and trying something different than they did a few years ago. I’m still not sure what that is. When I talk to Fred, he’s so positive and optimistic that it’s hard to really get down to the nitty gritty. I respect him for that but when we hang up, I’m not quite satisfied that I’ve gotten everything I want to know. You know?
Anyway, he thinks … and this solely depends on all of his test results along the way … that they’ll be doing his stem cell transplant in a month or so.
I so want to go to Arkansas. It’s not so much a “want” but a “need” to go. It’s so hard being so far away. I pray every day to God, who knows all things, to guide me in what I need to do … among other things. I am steadily trying to figure out a time I can go for a week so that it doesn’t interfere with anything else or anyone else.
I believe, with all my heart and soul, that God will provide a way for me to go when I can be of help to Mama as well as Fred. My heart aches for everyone involved.
The most important thing he has is his family. His girls are in constant contact with him … calls three or four times a day. For that, I am so grateful.
Mama tells me that we have to accept what we have been dealt and do the best that we can. I believe that as well but it is, without a doubt, one of the hardest things we … as family … as humans … have to endure.
How do I get through it? I keep God and the faith close. I don’t talk about it. I keep it inside because for me to get through something this intimate and tragic, only my God is privy to any in depth conversation I may want to have about it.
Prayers are being sent up daily.
Quick Trip!
Cleve and I made a quick trip to see Joe and Rachel this Easter weekend.
We left Friday afternoon, spent the night in Atlanta and went on in Saturday. We met Joe at his work so he could show us his office and take us on a tour of the capital … but not before I snapped off a picture of his official parking spot
We got to go places where you needed security codes to get in. Joe had it all approved before we came to able to show us these places. I, for one, felt honored and proud.
He has a nice office and we got him a plant to go in that window behind him. There’s a special code he has to use to get into his office area. Because he works in Constituent Services, they have to make sure that no one has access to them except the people who are supposed to be there.
He took us to the room where the governor conducts press conferences. That was interesting … it was smaller than I thought it would be. He briefly struck a pose on the podium.
After we finally made it to their house a few miles down the road, we visited for awhile and then decided to venture out to find food (Cleve and I had not eaten much that day).
Rachel sold a house last week and had to go attach a “Sold” sign in the front yard of it so we all went together and snapped pictures of her hanging up her sign. She’s really coming along in her real estate career.
We all went to lunch and then visited the Southern Homes and Gardens place. It was fabulous and gorgeous! Spencer and Orie called while we were there and everyone got to talk to them. That was nice!!
Needless to say, we are so proud of all of our kids. They are progressing in the world and all seem to be happy. Speaking as a parent, you will always worry but as long as they’re happy and healthy and making it, it soothes something deep inside of a mother’s heart. You mothers know what I’m talking about.
We’re headed home now and are almost to Augusta. (which is good, ‘cause I need to potty). We’ll make it home this evening sometime. Like I said, it was a quick trip but I’m glad we went and it was good to see family this weekend!
Our Baby Girl
We don’t get many pictures of Skye and when we do, it’s like … WOW!!
She’s growing up so fast and is becoming more beautiful every time we see her.
And SMART!! Did I mention how smart she is??
Needless to say we are two very proud grandparents and long for the day when we can see her more often.
She’s an Amerasian beauty who has the potential of becoming what or whomever she wants to be.
How could you ever look at this child and believe there is no God. What an amazing gift … to all of us.
Spencer and Orie … y’all done good!
Cancer Rears its Ugly Head Again
I talked to Freddy this evening.
They’ve found more spots of cancer after six years of no new growth. Today, he’s started his chemo routine all over again and in May he’ll have another stem cell transplant.
I feel helpless & guilty, as I always do in situations like this. Helpless, because there is absolutely nothing I can do … guilty, because I can’t be there to try to do something. It’s a vicious circle and I live with it on a daily basis.
His attitude is good and he’s stronger than he was the first time around so that can only work in his favor.
Still, he’s my big brother and I hate to see him like this.
But with a good positive attitude and God on his side and with a lot of prayer he’ll come out of this with a few more years. Only time will tell.
I worry about Mama, too. She’s 84-years-old and is driving him back and forth to Little Rock every day for treatments. The last time she did this with him was about 5 or 6 years ago and she had Daddy to help her. Then Daddy got sick with cancer and she had to care for him for several months as well. She ended up suffering from exhaustion both physically and emotionally. It took her over a year to get over that and sometimes I wonder if she ever really recovered.
But she’s a stubborn and strong woman and if she’s able, she’s going to see to it that her children are taken care of regardless of the danger to herself. Hopefully, though, she’s learned to be aware of her limitations and will ask for help when she needs it. Seeing her through the eyes of a mother myself, she is my hero.
All in all, attitudes are good. We’re all just dealing with what we are given and doing the best that we can.
